Did Adam have a navel? Sniglet of the day: SNOTTOSPHERE - The air around your face after you sneeze. Man to Bartender: "I have trouble making friends. Know what I mean, Fatso?" Patient: "I'm really nervous. This is my first time in an operating room." Doctor: "Me too." Unfamous last words: "Wow! First in line for The Who!" Why was Robert Kennedy's funeral at sea? So Ted Kennedy could drive to it. Come back to Jamaica. We have your wallet. I had to dump my girlfriend. She was starting to smell up the trunk. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick. A zoo employee is driving a truckload of penguins to the zoo. The truck breaks down. A motorist pulls over to help him. The truck driver doesn't want the penguins to die in the heat, so he hands the guy $50 and says, "Take these penguins to the zoo." The guy herds them into his car and takes off. Later in the day the truck driver sees the man walking downtown with all the penguins behind him. The truck driver says, "I thought I told you to take them to the zoo." The guy says, "I did. And with the money that's left over, I'm taking them to the movies." A guy returns a chainsaw to the store he bought it at. He says to the clerk, "You told me I could cut down 60 trees a day with this. I've only been able to cut down 2 trees a day." The clerk says, "Let's have a look." He plugs it in, pulls the cord and starts it up. The customer says, "What's that noise?" A man who always shows up for work at exactly 9:00 shows up one day at 10:00. His clothes are ripped and spattered with blood, his ear is torn and he's got a black eye. His boss asks, "So what happened to you?" The man says, "I fell down a whole flight of stairs." His boss asks, "And this took an hour?" The CIA sent a man to Russia, and he was to make contact with a spy named Goldberg. The password was "The sun is shining." But when he got to the apartment house where Goldberg lived, the list of names at the entrance had two Goldbergs. He decided to try the one on the second floor. He knocked on the door, and to the man who opened the door he said, "The sun is shining." The man said, "Oh, you want Goldberg the spy - he's one flight up." A man is sitting at a bar getting very drunk. The bartender thinks he's had enough, so he asks him to leave. The drunkard refuses. The bartender says, "If you leave now, I'll give you a present." The drunkard agrees, so the bartender reaches into the aquarium on the shelf, takes out a turtle and hands it over. A few nights later the same guy comes back and gets loaded. He asks the bartender if he'll give him another present if he leaves. The bartender asks, "What did I give you last time?" The drunkard answers, "Roast beef on a hard roll." A golfer is 150 yards from the 18th green. He asks his caddy what he should use. The caddy says, "A four wood." The golfer hits with a four wood, and the ball sails over the green, into the clubhouse and hits his wife in the head, killing her. The next week he finds himself the same distance from the 18th green, and he asks his caddy what he should use. "A four wood," says the caddy. The golfer says, "Are you sure? The last time I used a four wood here, I overshot the green and took a double bogey on the hole." Barber: "You say you've been in here before? That's strange. I don't remember your face." Customer: "Probably not. It's healed now." A priest, a rabbi and a minister are fishing. The priest says, "I forgot my lunch." He gets out of the boat, walks right across the top of the water, gets his lunch out of the car, walks across the water again and gets in the boat. The rabbi says, "I forgot my tackle box." He gets out of the boat, walks across the water, gets his tackle box, walks across the water again and gets in the boat. The minister says, "I'll get the six pack." He gets out of the boat and falls 90 feet to the bottom of the lake. The priest says to the rabbi, "You know, maybe we should have told him where the stones were." The rabbi replies, "What stones?" Patient: "Every time I drink coffee I get a pain in my eye. What should I do?" Doctor: "Take the spoon out of the cup." Friend #1: "My uncle was finally put to rest last week." Friend #2: "I didn't know he died." Friend #1" "He didn't. My aunt did." Heckle: "Look, I got some Smart Juice. When you drink it, you get smarter." Jeckle: "Yeah, sure." Heckle: "Here, try some." Jeckle: "Okay ... Ugh! That's motor oil!" Heckle: "See? You're getting smarter already." Woman: "If we get engaged, will you give me a ring?" Man: "Certainly. What's your number?" As his followers were standing in line for the deadly drink, Jim Jones said, "Hey, I've got a joke that you'll just love. It's got a killer punchline." John: "I said hello to that woman, and she wouldn't give me the time of day." Jack: "It's 3:30." After we bombed the Japanese in World War II, they decided to get revenge. They came over here and opened up restaurants. This is how the initial board meeting went: Itsumi: "Okay, how can we get even with these Americans when they come to eat in our restaurants? The floor is open for suggestions." Moto: "Let's have 'em eat raw fish." Fuji: "Yeah, and let's have 'em wash it down with HOT WINE! Ha ha ha!" Tanaka: "How about this: let's make them sit on the floor! Ho ho ha ha!" Itsumi: "Ha ha ho ho ho! Brilliant!" Yakamichi: "Ha ha ho hee hee! Let's make 'em take off their shoes! Ha ha ha!" Moto: "Oh, come on, Americans aren't THAT stupid." Hitachi: "Sure they are. Hey, here's a good one: let's walk on their backs! And we'll tell them it's GOOD for them! Ha ha hee hee ho ha ha!" Itsumi: "Ha ha ha ha ha! Ho ho! Oh, this is killing me!" Fuji: "Get this - let's make them eat with two sticks! Ha ha ha ha ha!" Wife: "How did you like that cake I baked for you?" Husband: "It was awful." Wife: "That's odd. The cookbook said it was delicious." Today's Astrology Virgos do terrible things to small animals and pick their noses a lot. Geminis fall asleep while making love and are fascinated by paper weights. Cancers make good bus drivers and pimps. Most Scorpios are drug users and are eventually murdered. All Libras die of venereal disease. Capricorns sell their children for whiskey. Tauruses are creative and imaginative, which explains their habitual lying. Arieses has no skills not involving a broom. Most Pisces have herpes and commit suicide by boring themselves to death. Sagittariuses are cheap bastards. Male Aquariuses are queer; female Aquariuses are whores. Leos are habitual thieves and kiss mirrors a lot. Customer: "How much are these tomatoes?" Grocer: "Thirty cents a pound." Customer: "Did you raise them yourself?" Grocer: "Yes. Yesterday they were only twenty-eight cents a pound." Two men are trimming the bushes behind a woman's house. The woman glances out the window to see one of the men do a series of double flips and one-handed cartwheels before disappearing in a thicket. She runs outside and tells the other man, "That was great! Listen, I'm having a women's club meeting here tonight, and I'll pay him $20 if he'll come tonight and do that again." The man yells, "Hey, Sam, the lady here wants to know if you'll chop off another finger for twenty bucks." The word "raccoon" is an old Indian word that means, "Little furry animal that lies by the side of the road and bleeds." My girlfriend told me I'm too intense. So I stared at her until she cried. Fric: "The other day I was driving down a steep hill, and I realized that my brakes were failing." Frac: "Sounds like you lost a lot of fluid." Fric: "Well, who wouldn't?" Wife: "Dear! The baby has swallowed the matches!" Husband: "Here, use my lighter." She was reading about birth and death statistics. Suddenly she turned to a man next to her and said, "Do you know that every time I breathe a man dies?" The man replied, "Very interesting. Have you tried toothpaste?" Some businesses never to patronize ---------------------------------- Al's Stereo and Storm Door Bob's Accounting and Light Masonry Chuck's Used Cars and Scrap Metal Dave's Meat Packing and Brain Surgery Gwen's Bakery and Massage Parlor Bill's Pest Control and French Pastries Ed's Italian Restaurant and Sewage Treatment Joe's Toilet Chemicals and Espresso Doctor: "You're going to have problems with your stomach." Patient: "Why?" Doctor: "You swallowed the tongue depressor." Patient: "Is that bad?" Doctor: "Terrible. I only have two left." I started using a new shampoo. It's called "Free Sample". I started smoking cigars. I don't really like cigars, but I do like the privacy. A cigar can clear a room like a Yoko Ono album. What's 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1? Bo Derek getting older. My girlfriend got mad at me because I used the word "puke". But that's what her dinner tasted like. What's brown and sticky? A stick. He's so dumb, when he saw a sign that said, "Drive Thru Window", he did. Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny. The last words of Socrates: "I drank WHAT?!" I went into a bank and asked a teller to check my balance. So she reached through the window and pushed me. Gandhi's last words: "Holy cow!" He's so low, he has to stand up to sit down. In the beginning there was nothing. Then God said, "Let there be light." And there was still nothing, but you could see it. I caught my best friend in bed with my wife. I said, "Larry, I HAVE to, but YOU?" Ronald Reagan has endorsed a plan to promote health and reduce waste in the school lunch program by declaring styrofoam a vegetable. They've made a new car in honor of Bill Clinton: the Dodge Draft. I wrote a book on etiquette. It's called, "S'matta, You Deaf?" I'm not very good with children. At least that's what they said at the trial. I sponsor a child in one of those starving countries. I sent him a football. I got a letter from him saying, "Thanks for the football. It was delicious." I fly free because of my profession. I'm a terrorist. My goldfish keep dying. I think something's wrong with their cage. My wife writes country/western songs. I'm her inspiration - I drink and I beat her. Woman: "When you finish with me, will my husband think I'm beautiful?" Beautician: "That depends. Does he drink a lot?" Fric: "I heard you and Sally broke up. Why?" Frac: "Would you date someone who cheats, lies and flirts with other people?" Fric: "No." Frac: "Well, neither would she." Judy: "Billy got fresh with me, so I slapped his face. Boy, was I sorry." Trudy: "Because you really care about him?" Judy: "No, because he was chewing tobacco." Friend #1: "My new hearing aid is great. I've never heard this well before." Friend #2: "What kind is it?" Friend #1: "A quarter til five." I have enough money to last me the rest of my life. If I die on Thursday. Man #1: "What's your son gonna be when he graduates from college?" Man #2: "Forty." Heckle: "I see you started rolling your own cigarettes." Jeckle: "Yeah. My doctor said I should get more exercise." Whether or not we actually watch them, every one of us is aware of those daytime talk shows and their endless parade of human debris. What follows is a list of topics that I suggest they use for future shows: 1) Lesbians Who Beat Up Transvestites 2) Anorexics Who Overeat 3) Drug Lords With Hemorrhoids 4) Kids Who Divorce Their Parents, Sue for Alimony, and Remarry 5) People Who Have Sex With Trees 6) People Who Eat Their Children, THEN Have Sex With Trees 7) People Who Are Fed Up 8) People Who Are Sick of People Who Are Fed Up 9) People Who Are Fed Up With Being Sick 10) People Who Make You Sick 11) Men Who Kill Someone, Go to Prison, Get Out, and Complain About Something 12) Cigarette Manufacturers Who Believe That Smoking Could Possibly Be a Little Bit Bad for People, Maybe I signed a big deal with Columbia Records. I get eight records free and then I only have to buy three more at the regular price. I bathe religiously. Easter, Christmas, Hanukkah... I saw a sign at my health club that said "Free Weights". So I took a few. Doctor: "I have some bad news. You have cancer." Patient: "Oh, no. That's awful." Doctor: "I have some more bad news. You have Alzheimer's disease." Patient: "That's okay - at least I don't have cancer." Michael Fay, the American teenager who was roundly thrashed for his misadventures in Singapore, is currently negotiating for the movie rights to his story. Following is a list of possible titles: 1. Lethal Whuppin' 13. My Fair Heinie 2. Young Spankenstein 14. Rear Unpleasant Danger 3. A Fistful of Hollers 15. Lashee, Go Home 4. The Lash Detail 16. Bunsmoke 5. Bang the Buns Slowly 17. Field of Screams 6. Cane's World 18. Citizen Caned 7. Beat Yerassic Park 19. Every Which Way Butt Loose 8. Moonstruck 20. Gone With the Whip 9. Blazing Saddles 21. Naked Buns 33 1/3 10. My Left Cheek 22. Sleepless in Singapore 11. American Graffiti 23. The Wizard of Aaaaas 12. Buttman 24. Sorest Rump Wife: "Don't eat that candy bar - you'll spoil your dinner." Husband: "I'll spoil my dinner? That's your job." I do community work with children. I lure them into the van. I hate when people give you a hard time when you smoke. Last weekend I lit up a cigarette and some woman yelled at me to put it out. It wasn't like I was right next to her - she was 5 pews away. Why did the USC football player cross the road? To get three credits. I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. If you had your choice of any nose in the world, which one would you pick? In order to be a popular guest on a talk show, you have to have what's called a "strong visual element". For example: Weak guest: Nobel prize-winning research scientist explains revolutionary new and easy way to prevent cancer. Strong guest: Nobel prize-winning research scientist plays badminton with a cow. Did you hear about Cyclops? He got a middle eye infection. In Persia it was considered a mark of great beauty for a woman to have a long nose. In fact, the longer the nose, the more desirable the female, up to a certain point. Then it became funny. I'm a lightweight. I get drunk if I drink an old Snapple. Real answers to driving exam questions: Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster. Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully. Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color. They invented a machine that does the work of 10 government employees: it goes to the bathroom 37 times, takes 42 smoke breaks, and eats 28 donuts. I disagree with you, but I'll defend with my life your right to shut up. He's so old, at his birthday parties people huddle around the cake for warmth. A really bad singer sang several songs for a group of sick people in a hospital. After his awful performance he said to his audience, "I hope you get better." A meek voice from the back said, "You too." People compare me to Mel Gibson. They say, "You're no Mel Gibson." All things come to those who wait. And nag. You know you're getting old when you start repeating yourself. Yep, when you start repeating yourself, you know you're getting old. Top 10 things guys shouldn't say when the preacher asks, "Do you take this woman, to have and to hold, blah blah blah, until death do you part?" 10) I guess so. 9) I don't WANT to - I HAVE to. 8) Well, at least until someone better comes along. 7) Give me another beer and I'll think about it. 6) For the last time, YES! I told you a million times at rehearsal. 5) As long as her brother keeps pointing that shotgun at me I will. 4) Yeah, what the hell. 3) Until DEATH? That long? 2) Damn straight - this wedding's costing me a fortune! 1) What - HER?! What do you get when you put a monkey in a blender? Rhesus pieces. I went into Burger King the other day. There was nothing in there that was less than 50% fat. And that included the customers. I am not immature, you big stupid doodyhead. People judge you by the way you talk. Especially if you spit on them. Top 10 titles for a movie starring Bill Clinton: ------------------------------------------------ 10) Scent of a Womanizer 9) Compromising Positions 8) Lord of the Thighs 7) The Wizard of Bras 6) He's Gotta Have it 5) Horny Old Men 4) My Life Stinks 3) The Womanizer in Red 2) Out of Arkansas 1) Waiting to Inhale Things some people shouldn't have said: John Wayne Bobbitt: "Sex is your wifely duty. You can't cut me off." Bernie Goetz: "Yeah, I shot him. So sue me. Christopher Reeve: "Jump, you stupid, useless nag!" Billy Martin: "I'll have one for the road." Nicole Brown Simpson: "Take you back? Over my dead body." Abraham Lincoln: "Yeah, I freed the slaves. So shoot me. I read a book recently called "The History of Glue". I couldn't put it down. They have some weird places in California. I went to one place called "Hair World". It was the worst restaurant I've ever been to. I live every day as if it were my last. In the morning I spend three hours making funeral arrangements. Then I cry the rest of the day. Try new Boors beer! Listen to what people are saying! "I'm so drunk!" "It tastes like crap, but I'm too lazy to try another brand." "It's skunky. Cool!" "Beer! Woohoo!" "It's perfect for sports-watching couch potatoes like me who don't want flavor to distract us from the game or our buzz." "I can't stop peeing." "Well, I didn't like the taste at first, but we've had a drought here on the farm and your beer seemed like a better choice than the brown sludge we were getting out of our well." "I think I'm going blind." I have a weird job. I'm sort of a gigolo in reverse. Women pay me to not have sex with them. The other morning I woke up and my arm was asleep. I couldn't move it. I touched it, and I didn't feel anything. So I poked it with a pin. Then my wife screamed at the top of her lungs. My grandfather is losing his hearing. His hearing is so bad that when he reads he goes, "What?" No respect. Every time I look in the mirror it says, "Not YOU again!" Fric: "How'd your appendectomy go?" Frac: "The doctor left a sponge in me." Fric: "Does it hurt?" Frac: "No, but boy do I get thirsty." Fric: "My uncle eats anything he wants, and he weighs the same as he did in college." Frac: "How much does he weigh?" Fric: "600 pounds." Don't be a sexist. Broads hate that. Everyone smokes in my neighborhood. When you go into a restaurant there are two sections: Smoking, and Chain Smoking. One Christmas morning two little children leap out of bed and run downstairs. Under the tree the little boy finds ten presents for him, but the little girl only finds one for her. The little boy starts teasing, "I got ten presents, and you only got one, nyah nyah!" The little girl replies, "Yeah, well at least I don't have leukemia." Least popular horror movies --------------------------- The Texas Chainsaw Macarena Invasion of the Potty Snatchers Iraqnophobia Mittens Visits the Asthma Ward Mr. Dole Goes to Washington An American Werewolf in Therapy Winnie The Pooh In Tigger's Stew First Wives Clubbed The Methane Monsters of Fraternity Row April The 15th - Jason's Audit You're an Axe Murderer, Charlie Brown My parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. I saw an interesting commercial the other day. It said, "Try Preparation H, and kiss your hemorrhoids goodbye."