Thursday August 18. It was a gorgeous day when I arrived at 12:30, and I enjoyed it while I could because this was, after all, MASHOUT, which meant that things would get ugly in a hurry. Several CRABSters had arrived the previous day to set up and get a head start on the debauchery, and this would be a good time to give credit where credit is due. We got short notice that the former organizers could no longer handle the event, so several folks stepped up. A big thanks to Jeff, Trevor, Les, Joel, and DJ Mike for doing most of the work. Since announcement/advertising were done later than usual, some previous attendees weren't sure this event would happen so they made other plans for that weekend, reducing sign-ups to about 65. Most notably absent was Fagner, who we all agreed should have known better since MASHOUT almost always occurs on the third weekend in August. But he did donate some of his BC Brewery beer, and the crappy taste it left in our mouths was almost like having him there. Other donors were 1812 Brewery, Bear Chase, Checkerspot, Dig Deep, Franklins, Heavy Seas, Manor Hill (where the other notably absent bologna smuggler Shithouse works), and Magellan (Jay Spies's forthcumming brewery, which at the rate he's going, will open in 2038).

Lunch at Camp CRABS consisted of fajitas, hot dogs, and maybe a few other things.

Jay started smoking pork belly. Here he is proudly displaying his big sack of pink meat.

Keg Circle had a bunch of beers and a mead or some other queer drink.

Several of our crew waded in Chlamydia Creek.

The usual shenanigans were going on at Keg Row.

Bear Chase rigged their Mexican lager tap so that when you pulled it, music played.

CRABS dinner was kosher ham and cheese sandwiches (anything free is considered kosher). There was also my homemade potato salad, but it was about as welcome as anal warts.

We kept waiting for Jay's meat, which had been smoking most of the afternoon and evening. Every 45 minutes he'd tell us it would be ready in a half hour. Around 10:00 we finally got to put his meat in our mouths. It was the fourth most erotic thing that happened to me all day.

Then it was down to Keg Row, where DJ Mike provided tunes. It was less homoerotic than usual without Fagner and Shithouse. Plus Grover hadn't arrived yet.

After 1:00 AM Craig and Rachel, aka the Amazing Szczesiuls, prepared the "4^th meal" consisting of several kinds of pizza cooked in a pizza oven at 900°F. They would do this all three nights.

Friday August 19. Only took one shit, which was surprising considering all I'd eaten the day before. Around 6:30 I went to Rocky Gap Casino Resort for a shave and a shower. When I got back we had our usual artery-clogging breakfast, which would turn out to be the most healthful meal of the day.

After that DJ Mike provided music bingo under the pavilion. In the field, the Bear Chase guys flew a huge kite that someone nicknamed The Sperm.

Matt arrived and added a decoration for the CRABS jockey box tap handle that dispensed Lydick's Famous Peach Beer. This beer first debuted in 2006 when Matt's father Art brewed it with unripe peaches from his farm. This year Trevor brewed it with Lydick peaches and copious amounts of jizz.

Back at Camp CRABS we ate fajitas because we hadn't eaten in over two hours.

At 1:00 was Sour Hour, which had the usual wide selection of funky and sour ales plus a few wines and lots of cheese, crackers, and other foods.

For some reason a poker game broke out.

After that it was Deep Fry-Day. Things that got battered and fried in oil included peppers, cupcakes, onions, hard-boiled eggs, strawberries, french fries, biscuits, cheese-filled bread, yellow squash, zucchini, and a whole turkey. I hadn't had my mouth on so much fat since my honeymoon.

Handsome Rob handed awards to Craig and Rachel for all the 4^th meals they've supplied at various MASHOUTs, and to me for running Sour Hour.

The Szczesiuls also set up a nice washing station as always.

Jay cooked a great brisket, so we shoved more of his meat in our mouths.

Over at the pavilion DJ Mike spun tunes and folks danced.

Trevor gave us his rendition of dancing, looking a lot like a fudgepacker with Down's.

Then it was back to Camp CRABS for the 4^th meal. I got wicked stoned at the Bear Chase camp and wouldn't move but Craig was gracious enough to personally deliver pizza to me. Grover and Handsome Rob both offered to help me to my tent but the lube and the dildos made me respectfully decline. I was finally able to get to my tent on my own around 2:30.

Saturday August 20. A misty morning. Took my usual two dumps before heading to Rocky Gap. When I arrived at 7:00 there was a line of over a hundred cars to get into the state park, as it's a very popular place for Hispanic families to spend their Saturdays. I went to the nearby resort and sneaked in for a shower.

Breakfast at Camp CRABS consisted of various types of scrapple, because not enough fat had been consumed the previous two days. My digestive system was so overloaded that all I could manage to get down was a little of my leprous potato salad.

The weather was gorgeous, as it had been all weekend. There was more music bingo, and I managed to win a prize.

After that we gathered in the field to make a "happy birthday" video for Chuck Popenoe, aka Pops, who had just turned 90 and hosted MASHOUT for 22 years. If you'd like to see the video, click here.

By now Keg Row had 35 different beers and ciders. There was a cornhole tournament, which Trevor almost signed up for until he learned what cornhole actually is.

Meanwhile another homoerotic poker game took place.

This year's food competition theme was cabbage. Entries could be any kind of food but had to have cabbage as a main ingredient. I don't know who won or whether anyone even judged it. I think we might have had some beer too.

Then it was time for the food-beer pairing at the pavilion. There were many entries, so we stuffed more things into our bloated bellies.

After that we hung out at Camp CRABS, drank several beers, and told some bad jokes.

The rest of the evening was spent walking around to various campsites, the pavilion, and the bonfire. At one point I returned to Camp CRABS and things are kind of hazy after that but the following photo gives me an idea of what I was doing.

I woke up for the 4^th meal, which was accompanied by live music. Ate a few slices of pizza because I hadn't exploded yet. By the time I crashed at 2-ish I had eaten more that weekend than Portugal eats in a year.

Sunday August 21. Rain had been forecast for the morning but it held off long enough for us to pack up our tents, sleeping bags, and butt plugs.

Some memorable quotes from the weekend:

• "This is not the MASHOUT to fuck with me."
• "Nice wiener, dude."
• "MASHOUT makes Royal Caribbean look like a floating famine."
• "If we're gonna drink shitty beer, at least we wanna make it ourselves."
• "This is the most stupidest-ass hobby I've ever been involved in."
• "This beer is as shitty as mine."
• "Apple pie mead is a solid breakfast."
• "It's not an addiction until you suck cock for it."