MASHOUT  2014

Now  60%  Less  Rapey!


The 27th annual MASHOUT was held on August 14-17 at Organarchy, an organic hop farm in Oldtown MD.

A number of folks came up on Wednesday the 13th to get a head start on the buggery. It was a beautiful sunny day when I arrived on Thursday. CRABS had set up a nice camp with several pop-ups, stoves, kegs and sex toys. Joel brought his homemade instrument, Stradibeerius. We handed out whistles to the MASHOUT virgins and told them that this year's safe word was "harder".

Thanks Dennis for these beers.


Many campers had pitched their tents in the woods, so that's what I did because, as you know, I always conform. Things looked promising when I saw this:

Anyway, the forest floor was festooned with vicious shoots wielding the sharpest thorns known to Man, so before I could set anything up I had to clear them. I didn't have a lawnmower or hand grenades, but fortunately I found a pair of scissors in my trunk. It was under the duct tape and the shovel. So I started my weekend pruning while getting my flesh ripped by little razors and being attacked by insects the size of small aircraft. I hadn't screamed so loudly since I lost my virginity at altar boy camp.

The new MASHOUT location had some pluses and minuses compared to the old site. On the minus side, everything was spread out rather than being conveniently located in one field, plus there were no shower facilities just a few minutes away. On the other hand, there was a yurt within which to hold events, the woods offered more camping spots, there was a great mountain view, and it was easier to hammer tent stakes into the ground because it was almost as soft as Grover's shmekel when he sees a photo of any naked woman over the age of twelve.

Keg Row already had about 30 kegs because so many people had already arrived. Thursday is the new Friday. Someone brought a wagon for transporting stuff. A few of us went down to "Doobie Point", a wooden deck with a nice overlook.

After a dinner of artery-clogging animal matter, the drinking and sodomy began and continued well into the night. We soiled Keg Row; the campfire; and NoVA (aka Camp Bogart), who had 16 kegs on tap. The air temperature dropped very quickly when the sun set, rendering the place colder than Hillary Clinton's love hole.

Friday. A cold, foggy morning gradually warmed and cleared. We all shared a nice breakfast, and I was offended that no one wanted to try my beermosa, or, as I like to call it, "fruit juice past its expiration date". Then things degenerated, as they always do, into telling jokes, most of them using Fagner as the main character. Jim didn't show this year because he was having an abortion.

Then we sat around being useless, emitting intestinal noises and reading terrible literature. A poker game broke out, as usually happens among the gay contingent. However, since Fagner wasn't there, it was a little less gay than in years past.

Around noon the FryDay foods included plantains, okra, onions, peppers and Twinkies, all deep fried. Kudos to Joel for providing most of these deadly delights (and, incidentally, for doing a major portion of the MASHOUT planning and coordination).

The afternoon featured the 6th annual Sour Hour, featuring dozens of funky ales, both homebrewed and commercial, and several kinds of cheese such as blue, brie, and fomunda. Jason Heinen, the founder of this event, ran the show. Chuck Cook, who runs the site Belgian Beer Specialist, gave a talk about sour ale breweries in Belgium. Jon Blair of BaltiBrew brought his koelship, which he makes lambic with. It held most of the bottles. The first bottle opened at this event was a 3-liter bottle of kriek brought by Joel. This was followed by more sour ale than I've ever seen at one location. In my opinion (which everyone is always entitled to, whether they want to hear it or not), the best beers of the day - and the entire weekend - were Jason's shiraz lambic and Chris Sollitto's gueuze. I hadn't been so jealous since someone married my cousin Secretia.

I don't remember much of what happened afterward. We might have consumed a few libations at Keg Row. Either that or we molested the local wildlife.

Then it was time for the annual food-beer pairing, which I can't remember except for a brief flash of an incident involving a couple of homos in red Speedos, but what little discretion we possess dick-tates that the resulting photos should be reserved for Playgirl.

In the evening Black Falls, featuring CSI member Dominic Cantalupo on drums, absolutely rocked the place. Rob scared everyone with his ninja/gimp mask, not to mention his naked torso. Lots of people - some almost as drunk as I was - danced the night away. I hadn't danced and cheered so much since my mother-in-law's funeral.

All I remember after that is drinking and offending until the wee hours. Just like at my wedding.

Saturday. Another beautiful day following a chilly night. The alcoholics in our group - which would be all of us - started the day with a hearty breakfast of bloody Marys, mimosas, beermosas, and Irish coffee. Then a bunch of us did a pseudo-death march through the jungle to a spot on or near the Potomac River. Grover gave a demonstration of stone skipping and others bathed. I only went in up to my ankles because the water was so cold that if I had gone all the way in, my testicles would have retracted up to my neck.

Meanwhile the Lydick brothers rode their bikes to the Paw Paw tunnel on the C&O towpath bike trail. They returned when they heard banjos playing.

When we got back I availed myself of the camp shower because free showers worked out so well in Germany.

After more shenanigans at Keg Row, which by now had more than 40 beers, we held our annual cook-off. This year's theme: balls. All the entries were so tasty that even I ate a bunch of them. Trevor won with his chocolate truffle balls, showing everyone how well he handles balls. Again.

Next we did a big beer tasting that included:

  1. Victory Oak Horizontal
  2. The Bruery Sucre
  3. Don's triple
  4. Don's double IPA
  5. Rogue New Crustacean
  6. Nebraska Hop God
  7. Shmaltz He'Brew Funky Jewbelation
  8. Chewy's port
  9. Schloss Eggenberg Samichlaus
  10. Weyerbacher Blasphemy
  11. Franklin's Batch 700
  12. Rogue / Dogfish Head Squall IPA
  13. Duvel Moortgat Duvel
  14. Jef's juniper mead
  15. Unibroue Don de Dieu
  16. Unibroue Trois Pistoles
  17. Bryan's red ale
  18. Allagash Coolship
  19. New Glarus Serendipity
  20. 2006 Shmaltz He'Brew Genesis 10:10
  21. Hardywood Barrel Series Bourbon Cru
  22. Epic Brainless on Peaches
  23. Matt's marshmallow chocolate stout
  24. Boon Kriek
  25. Duclaw Devil's Milk
  26. 2002 Duclaw Deception
  27. Burley Oak something-or-other
  28. Black Flag Imperial Stout
  29. Great Lakes Spacewalker
  30. Jay's 4-year-old Russian imperial stout
  31. Burley Oak Ich bin Ein
  32. Foothills Sexual Chocolate
  33. Garrett's St. Bernard Abt 12 clone

Several folks piled into Keith and Kara's van and drove down to a swimming hole on Town Creek off the Potomac River where you can jump in from rocks 12 feet above if you're into excruciating pain.

In the evening we punished our colons even more at the community dinner, then spent our final evening doing whatever pervs and pedophiles do. Somehow I ended up telling jokes at Keg Row until the wee hours. Also I had sex with a moose. I'm kidding! It was an elk.

Sunday brought warmer weather as we gave our alimentary canals one last beating at the community breakfast, packed and left. It had been another great MASHOUT, and due to Jim's absence, there was less rectal bleeding than usual.

Some memorable quotes from the weekend: