MASHOUT  2013

3  Days  in  Retox


This year Grover and Rob had the audacity to show up on Wednesday the 14th, much to the chagrin of all the woodland creatures, many of which were walking with obvious pain by the time I arrived on Thursday. A few of the squirrels had actually exploded. Apparently not everyone is familiar with the old Navajo trick of wrapping them in duct tape.

The weather was possibly the best ever at MASHOUT. NoVA had 23 taps, surpassing the umpteen they had last year.

Some of the CRABS fags played poker. It wasn't as gay as usual because Jim hadn't arrived yet. Last year the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force gave him the honorary name "Teabag-ner". Over at the CSI area, Lisa K. showed real talent by hula hooping while putting something wet in her mouth. See the video here. Later on we had a light dinner (by MASHOUT standards) featuring reubens by Jeff and my healthful pasta/bean/corn/olive salad ("healthful" in this context means "fewer than 392 grams of saturated fat per serving"). As the sun went down (heh heh, I said "went down"), the temperature dropped below 70 degrees, forcing me to don my sweats because we Heebs get cold easily. Rumor has it that my grandfather went into a Nazi oven on purpose. Bryan brought out his jenga game. I hadn't seen so much wood since the 2009 Priest / Cub Scout Convention.

Camp Belch had their annual taco and margarita bar, which was free so I went over there.

After sunset we partied at Keg Row, and by "partied" I mean "offended people in every way imaginable". There was acoustic music around the campfire. I visited the Poker Tent, where for the past 16 years those guys have been playing poker for 12 hours a day at MASHOUT. Sort of puts the CRABS poker players to shame. Ah, who am I kidding? CRABSters have no shame.

Friday brought gorgeous weather. I went to the Rocky Gap Lodge to shower, because if it's one thing Jews like it's free showers. When I returned, some CRABSters were already drinking bloody Marys. CSI was having not only bloody Marys but also mimosas. I visited the Wootown folks (aka the Forest People) and sampled beer from their 10 kegs.

Then it was time for the 5th annual Sour Hour, hosted at the NoVA tent. As usual there were dozens of sour and funky beers, as well as food, including shrimp and funky cheese.  Chris S. wowed everyone with his gueuze and his kriek. Joel had made "krieksicles", which were frozen kriek on a stick. They were stiffer than Rob when Grover bends down to tie his shoes. I'm kidding. Grover can't tie his shoes.

By this time all 4 Duclaw brewers (Teabag-ner, Blo, Kurd, and Shithouse) had arrived, defacing Keg Row with their kegs and CRABS Hill with their presence. Sometime after Sour Hour we had Fry-Day, featuring Graham's chips, Joel's tempeh (fermented soy), as well as mushrooms, asparagus, and Scotch eggs.

I'm told I passed out at some point. It's okay - so did Joel.

Then we prepared food for the food/beer pairing. Except Teabag-ner, who showed us how classy he is. Grover invited people to CRABS Hill by imitating the wacky, waving, inflatable-arm, flailing tube man. No one came. Shocking.

This was the second year that the food/beer pairing was a MASHOUT rather than a CRABS event. There were dozens of pairings. There was also a firkin of some Duclaw crap.

Thad had the bright idea to bring an inflatable naked man, which he proudly displayed at Keg Row in front of Pops's grandchildren, much to the dismay of their mother, who went ballistic and snatched (heh heh) it away from him and brought it to me, as though I had any use for it. Actually I did, but that was beside the point.

At the CSI area Dom, Greg and Gabe played some acoustic. Then after sundown, the band Midnight Rule, featuring BURP's Bob Kepler on bass, played great music until midnight.

Folks partied the rest of the night at Keg Row, around the campfire, and elsewhere. I tried some of Ron "Buck" Steele's cornshine. Several folks rubbed down many pounds of pork and put it on the porkolator for the following night's feast. I hadn't see so much pork since my bar-mitzvah.

Saturday started out rather cool and a bit overcast. We had a nutritious breakfast of lard and grease. I showered at the lodge with Jen, Sara, and Lisa K. YouTube has removed the video. After we returned, various fags played poker and whipped out their wrist rockets. Teabag-ner sported a pair of glasses that Shithouse traded his virginity for in prison, and then he used his metal detector to try to find his dignity.

I visited Keg Row, which had upwards of 40 kegs. There was a meeting to discuss the future of MASHOUT. Ideas included holding it at another venue, increasing the price, and banning CRABS.

Later on we had a hot dog cook-off, which is a euphemism for a sausage fest. Team Lydick came in 3rd, Trevor was 2nd, and Teabag-ner won it with his Scotch dogs. There were also crackers with sardines, herring, oysters and trout. Concurrently we did a big beer tasting featuring:

  1. Clown Shoes Crunkle Sam (???)
  2. Duclaw Serum
  3. Clown Shoes Hoppy Feet 1.5
  4. Chris S.'s barleywine
  5. Dogfish Head Positive Contact
  6. Lagunitas Hop Stoopid
  7. MOA Imperial Stout
  8. Dupont Posca Rustica
  9. Ben's Robitussin red
  10. Franklin's 97 Pound Weakling
  11. Iron Fist Uprising
  12. Dom's American pale ale
  13. Brooklyn 25th Anniversary Doppelbock
  14. Unibroue Grande Reserve 17
  15. DC Brau On the Wings of Armageddon
  16. Ballast Point Imperial Porter
  17. Duclaw Devil's Milk (2010)
  18. Duclaw Sweet Baby Jesus
  19. Victory V-12 (2008)
  20. Verhaeghe Duchesse de Bourgogne
  21. Ben's Flanders red
  22. Evil Twin Lil' B
  23. Southern Tier Pumpking
  24. Real Ales Barleywine

I passed out again, and this time someone painted my fingernails while someone else piled a bunch of stuff on me. Later we all went to the main pavilion for the Saturday night feast. NoVA served a prickly pear hefeweizen, which they had brewed on the mountain three days earlier. The winners of the homebrew contest were announced. Trevor took 3rd place for his CPPA (C*nt Puncher Pale Ale). When they asked him what CP stood for, he said, "Charlie Papazian".

After gorging ourselves on yet more sustenance that would eventually make its way to the port-o-johns, a bunch of us adjourned to CRABS Hill for jokes. Then we went back to Keg Row for one last night of scaring the straights.

Rain moved in after midnight and continued into the morning. As we packed up, our gear got wetter than Ellen DeGeneres watching Girls Gone Wild. Some of us partook of the community breakfast.

Some memorable quotes from the weekend: